I am not feeling very well emotionally lately. This is due to the fact that I am left here at home alone everyday day leaving me nothing to do but those tiring profound thinking. Why am I sulking here? Why am I unemployed until now? Why are things not working for me? Why can’t I get a job in this place? Am I not trying hard enough? Why won’t they hire me? Am I not good enough? Why am I not married? Why am I feeling inadequate career and financially wise at this age? Why is getting married too difficult when we feel so right about it? When are we ready to do it? Why do I feel so bound to my responsibilities to my family? Why am I so hard on myself? Etcetera…etcetera.
I also feel that I am losing my friends. The people I know. I feel that somehow they are getting more and more out of reach for me. Sigh*
Being unemployed sucks! It makes you think a lot about things you normally don’t think about that often. It makes lose your self esteem slowly. It makes you overlook at the good things that are happening to you.
My love is there. He loves me. He can very well provide for everything that I need. We are together and everything between us is pleasant. We don’t fight. We don’t argue. We’re not bored. We do fun things together like cooking, cuddling, talking, watching our favorite TV series and other activities like spending the weekends somewhere and doing something new. I am thankful for all these things but somehow life is not complete for me. Somehow, I feel useless.
I don’t want to be too dependent on hubby financially. I want to be useful to myself. I want to earn money for my own. Sure, he gives me money but it makes me feel bad using this money for my caprices… not that I do it that often but still. It’s not a good feeling getting my caprices this way. I want to keep whatever I have with him. I want our living situation as it is but I also want a job. Is that too much to ask?
