It is.

“I must have done something good to deserve this,” you might say.

And you’ll think of your past. All the things people did to hurt you as well as the things you did that, intentionally or unintentionally, inflicted pain to others. “Is it all quits now,” you might think but in the end, you’ll realize that it is not about calling it quits. It’s about forgiving others and forgiving yourself. But how about forgiveness from those whom I have hurt? This you will never know. But you go on having a peace of mind because you know that you already asked for their forgiveness and you know or hope that somehow, in their own time, they’ll forgive you.

So with a peaceful mind, you then can focus on the desires of your heart.

Follow it and be happy.

I also feel that I am losing my friends. The people I know. I feel that somehow they are getting more and more out of reach for me. Sigh*

Being unemployed sucks! It makes you think a lot about things you normally don’t think about that often. It makes lose your self esteem slowly. It makes you overlook at the good things that are happening to you.

Francis is there. He loves me. He can very well provide for everything that I need. We are together and everything between us is pleasant. We don’t fight. We don’t argue. We’re not bored. We do fun things together like cooking, cuddling, talking, watching our favorite TV series and other activities like spending the weekends somewhere and doing something new. I am thankful for all these things but somehow life is not complete for me. Somehow, I feel useless.

I don’t want to be too dependent on Francis financially. I want to be useful to myself. I want to earn money for my own. Sure, Francis gives me money but it makes me feel bad using this money for my caprices… not that I do it that often but still. It’s not a good feeling getting my caprices this way. I want to keep whatever I have with Francis. I want our living situation as it is but I also want a job. Is that too much to ask?