Looking back at the previous year, I’d say that it is one of the years (2007 being the other one) that left a big impact on my life. There are a lot of things that happened in this year that changed the way I look at life and at people. I hope that all the experiences in this year have also made me a year wiser and not only a year older.

Here are the things I did last year that I think contributed much to the person I am this new year.

• Successfully completed my German competency course. It wasn’t easy especially because the interest to learn this particular language was not there. There was only the need to learn it. My attitude towards it was: I am learning it because I have to and not because I think it’s fun. I could have stopped sometime in the middle of the course if I wouldn’t have cared wasting the money spent on the course (it was expensive). But there came a time when I started to appreciate it and later on, I am really glad that I did it.
• Left China for good. I could say that in my three years of stay in China, a lot of bad things happened to me but I could not deny that the best thing happened to me there as well. So it’s like, one best thing evens out all the bad experiences I had in China. China has been good to me…to us. It wasn’t always easy (especially for my Austrian husband) but living there was very beneficial for us. In China,  we experience comforts we could never afford here in Europe. I don’t know if I will ever go back there but China and the people we met there who became good friends of ours will always have a space in our hearts.
• Started a life in Austria. I had my doubts. I doubted if I ever could make it here. If I ever could get a job. If I ever could find friends. If I ever could call it a home.  This stage of my life is still a work in progress. There are still a lot about this country and its people that I have to learn. I might not like or like what I’ll learn but so far, Austria has been good to me and I think that I am in the positive way to clearing all my doubts.
• Cut down on my blogging. This was mainly because I was busy with other things. I had to prioritize stuff and that means my blogging has to be given up to some extent but because old habits die hard, I am still here and blogging. In fact, I started another blog.
• Learned how to drive and acquired a driving license. I am from a country that sees being able to drive a car as a luxury not necessity. Earlier in my life, I gave learning how to drive some thoughts but I never considered it as something I must do. That’s until I married an Austrian.  Understandably, it was not easy for me. The theory lessons were done in Austrian dialect so I have to record each lesson and listen to it over and over again so I could understand or, at least, have an idea what the lesson was about. Another thing that made it difficult was: I think I have no talent at all with driving. It is already more than four months since I acquired my license and yet, I still can’t drive well.
• Found a job in Austria. I needed three long months before I landed a job. Within these depressing months, my self-esteem hit its all time low. I am just so glad that I have a loving husband. Right now, I am very much contented with my teaching job. I am not teaching in a regular school but all the same, I am still teaching and that’s great. It’s really a huge blessing that I still can practice my profession in this country without going through the complicated nostrification (educational degree comparison and evaluation).
• Experienced a car accident. It didn’t do me any damage—no scratch. Nothing. It just left me a little bit of a shock. It was not a major accident but it left a major impact on how I look at life.  I often hear clichés like life is too short, enjoy the things you have while you still can, and etcetera but I never really cared. I mean, I know they that these lines are true but I didn’t feel that they should also apply to me but that changed. After my accident, I value my life and all the persons and the things I have more.

I was awakened from a nightmare when my husband’s alarm clock reliably rang yesterday morning. Before slipping back to sleep, I was able to mumble the summary of my terrifying dream to him.  He kissed me and assured me that it was just a bad dream then he went on with his morning routine.  I continued to sleep until I felt his goodbye kiss lightly on my lips.

The rest of the day went by just like all my other Mondays. My morning was spent on grocery shopping and I went to my classes in the afternoon. The only thing that wasn’t usual was our learning center’s early Christmas dinner in the evening.

Right after my last class, I and two of my colleagues, headed off to the place. We drove in a convoy.  Tanya was driving in front because she’s the one who knows where the restaurant is. I was driving behind her and Kristin was driving behind me. It was a snowy evening and we were driving on a 30-zone winding street fully covered with snow. There was almost no traffic so I could understand that clearing this street off snow doesn’t happen in a frequent interval.

We were driving slowly and I remember Tanya being 20 meters ahead of me. Then it happened on a slightly inclined curve. The curve, although slightly descending, wasn’t that sharp at all so I am absolutely sure that I didn’t do any harsh maneuver with the steering wheel. For the life of me, I can’t understand why it happened. I just felt that my car glided, spin, hit a post, and rebounded back on the road.

When I felt the car slipped, I got nervous and in my nervousness, I left the gas pedal and the steering wheel completely letting the car control itself. It happened too fast. I didn’t even have the time to scream. The next thing I know was I was facing Kristin who is getting out of her car. How did that happened? She’s supposed to be driving behind me.

And then it dawned on me. I just had an accident. I could be dead now.

So, am I dead now?

I made a quick self-check. Does any part of my body hurt? What about bleeding? No? Really? Okay, good.

Then I went out of the car to check it. Around that time, Kristin’s worry stricken face was already right beside me. She tried to do her own physical injury check on me while shooting rapid questions which I could only summarize as, “Are you ok?”

From the look of it, she was even more shaken than me. Later on, she explained that being the one driving behind me, she saw how the whole thing happened and it looked far worse that it is.

The car, as expected, received some damages. The plate number in front is crushed and separated from the car. The bumper obtained some scratches and maybe some dents. I picked up the plate number and put it on my dashboard. There was no way I could attach it to the car so I placed it where it could be easily seen.

After checking the surroundings for damages (there was none, the post looked perfect ha!), we drove to the restaurant which is just 100 meters away from where the accident happened. I wanted to call my husband immediately after arriving at the place but Tanya advised me to calm down a little bit before calling him and that’s what I did. Later on, I realized that it is better not to tell him until I am home.

Soon enough, dinner conversations filled the air making the whole mood lighter.

By the time we were ready to go home; I was relieved to see the street wet and not snow covered. If it would have been otherwise, I wouldn’t have the nerves to drive home.  I was still terrified.

Upon reaching our building’s parking place, I took out my phone to call my husband and I’ve seen that he tried to call me several times. I also read his messages asking me if I am okay and why I won’t answer his calls. I finally called him and told him about the whole thing. Then I asked him to come down from our flat so he could take a look at the car.

I know he will not be angry and I was right.

When he saw me, he gave me a tight hug.

He said that all along, he had the feeling that something bad had happened. Then he told me that he’s thankful I am safe. He didn’t bother taking a look at the car but he promised to do it in the morning.

We talked more about it before going to bed and we agreed that I am not to drive until I practice driving on their company’s test track. That’s what we will do this weekend. I will practice driving on simulated snow and ice covered streets to get a better feeling of the car on a slippery road and to learn how to react.

The shock was completely gone after I had talked to him. The release gave me an utter sense of my being. I am alive and I am cuddled perfectly warm in my husband’s loving arms. The feeling of closeness made me truly thankful that I am alive. I thought that it would be so unfair to die when I am this happy.

Before saying our goodnights, he told me something that made my hair stand on end. He told me about the nightmare I told him that very morning. I can’t remember it completely anymore but according to him, this is what said.

“They said that the accident was so bad they needed to cut my legs off to take me out of the car.”

***

p.s. this is unedited

The moving boxes along with some packing materials that my husband ordered arrived yesterday and so I started packing today.

I don’t know if I clearly mentioned in any of my blogs that we will definitely leave China sometime in April but I remember briefly mentioning about moving here, here, and here. My husband is not so happy with his job here anymore so it’s time for us to move on. We plan to just go and settle in Austria but there are some talks of Mexico so at this point, we are still not 100% sure of our destination.

I hate moving. Not just because I have to pack everything and that I have to prepare all the needed papers for the shipping but also because I sort of have a life here. I like this city even though there are just some things I haven‘t quite gotten used to. I like living here.

I know from the start that this is not where we will stay for the rest of our lives but “this move” is just too soon. And I would simply go crazy if we move to Mexico because that means there will be a time that we have to move out of that country and at this point, it’s just painful to think that this won’t be the last time we have to pack our things and go.

I get attach to things, places, and people so it is always difficult for me to leave.

My friend Jaya had enough of China so she recently left the country for good but not without coming down to Shanghai to come meet me for the last time. I really appreciate that she actually came to visit me because I don’t think that we have plenty of chances to meet each other in the future.

Jaya is one of the three close friends I met during my difficult year of working as an ESL teachers in Jilin province. After three years of working in China, she finally decided to go back home, get married to her long time boyfriend, and start a family in the Philippines. My other two friends are Angel and Janice. Angel plans to relocate in Shanghai this coming school year in the hope that she’ll get better paying teaching job and Janice will stay in Changchun for the meantime but she will probably move to Shanghai too.

I am happy for them because they are managing to somehow put things in perspective but at some point, I feel sad because it seems to me that all the things that are happening to us lead us to be farther from each other. Yes, Janice and Angel plan to move here in Shanghai but that’s long after I left this city. I won’t be here anymore. I wish they decided to move here earlier.

I have done it several times in my life and I clearly remember that I so hated each time. Now we are about to relocate again and that sucks because we are not expecting to move out until summer of 2010. What makes it worse is that I know this upcoming move will not be the last time.

I do hate packing and I also hate throwing away things but those are the least of my worries. Relocating makes me sad because moving in another place means giving up stuff and leaving some things behind. Leaving my friends and family for example saddens me and knowing that I’d be giving up a life in a place I am used to and am comfortable with is also not so easy for me.

I wish we could skip the next two years and finally start our life.

In the beginning, you try to be nice to them to maintain a good working atmosphere. Then you start to hang out with them outside the office and this will pave the way for you develop friendship with them. If you are lucky, you might even find a real friend among them that you can keep for life. However, the world of work is tough and this drives most of them, even those you are already friends with, to stab you in the back specially if they see it as the only option to stay in the job. This is their way to look after themselves, their way to secure a regular flow of income, their way of survival. It’s sad but it’s a reality you have to face in life.

Do you want to get rich? Do it! By all means, do it! Get a job! Use your head, your skills, you can even abuse yourself! Go ahead and prostitute! But never ever use other people! Fooling a person and making this person to fall in love with you then ripping him off his money is a way of a loser. That’s the lowest of the low that even prostitutes deserve more respect. At least, they are honest. They’ll give you want you want and you’ll pay them for this. Everyone goes home happy. It’s fair.

But think of the man you fooled? He’ll give you everything because he’s afraid of losing you. And what happens after “his everything” is not enough? You’ll leave him broken.

You’re a taker. You claim that you are using your head. That you are smart. But are you? I mean, really!?! Smart people depend on their smartness to bring them where they want to be but you?!? You use somebody to get you where you want to be. Salute to prostitutes—they are not like you!

I didn’t know her too well. She was just introduced to me by an acquaintance in a party. But I know him. He is my husband’s best bud. He was single so I was tempted to play cupid and introduced a girl to him. I arranged a meeting for them—my husband’s best bud and the girl I didn’t know really well. This girl was so open and willing to meet him and probably start a relationship with him. She was really simple. Not a beauty but you can’t say she’s ugly. I talked to her a little bit before and she seemed nice.

So they met and after two nights she slept with him. I was surprised because I see her as shy, timid, and idealistic when it comes to relationship. Meaning, she’d play it more traditional, she’d let him court her a little bit longer, she’d try to know him really well before they get intimate. But that was not the case. He’s 35 and he’s no James Dean. He’s clumsy and he appears to be grumpy all the time so imagine my surprise when someone rushed to bed with him. But I thought, maybe he swoon her by his kindness. So fine.

After a month, she started asking him for money. It started with 150 Euro. She asked this money because according to her, a good friend of her really needs help and she badly wants to help this friend. He gave her the money. The second time, she told him that she have to pay an amount to a loaning company otherwise her parents’ house (back home in the Philippines) will be evicted. He gave her again. Last month, her salary was delayed so she borrowed an amount from him which is equal to her month’s salary. When she finally got her “delayed” salary, she didn’t give it back to him. So fine. Last June, he needed to be in Shanghai to work. He offered her to come with him. She refused and told him that she’d follow after a few months. So he went alone.

This month, she needed to go through an operation that will cost her 500Euro (we are in china, everything is cheap). He gave her 600Euro but she asked for 150Euro more. I was the one depositing the money to her bank account because he is so busy with his work and because we are good friends, he asked for my help. First I deposited the 600 Euro. When he asked me to deposit another 150 Euro, I told him I can’t it because I am also busy but the truth is, I didn’t want to have any part of it anymore. But it didn’t say that to him. I want to tell it to her first and I want to wait after her operation.

He is not exactly rich. He is financially sound but not rich. He’s obviously in love with her. And she? Well, back home she has 6 siblings and none of them has a job. Her parents are both old and jobless. She has 4 older brothers, 2 of which have their own families and kids. She has one younger sister and one younger brother whom she is sending to school. In short they are poor and all the members of the family depend on what she can send them each month to them. They are very poor but I am not saying that it’s her fault to belong to a poor family. I am actually saluting her that she was able to rise above it. But for her to tolerate her older brothers not to find jobs for themselves is something I consider so wrong. She’s not responsible for them and for their kids. Is she in love with him? At first, I believed that’s the case but based on how things are going on since the last few months; I came to believe she really does not love him. She sends all money she can get her hands on to her family back home. She sends her complete salary back home and let him pay for her flat, her bills, and her daily expenses like food and taxi fares. I am not stopping to send money to her family back home… but why can’t she send half of her salry and use the other half to finance her living since she anyhow choose not to live with him? It’s all unfair to him. She’s just using him and I pity him.

Somehow I felt responsible because I introduced her to him. I really feel bad and I pity him. But I can’t tell him what I think about her now. No, I am not that kind of person. But I will talk to her directly and tell her what I think and we will see if it changes anything.

What do you think?

Isn’t it a wonderful feeling to be your self again? To know exactly what you’re going to do next, where you’re heading, whom you’re going to be with for the rest of your life and to know for sure that you are prepared to take whatever difficulty, discomfort, inconvenience, or even pain you might go through for doing it?

It is.

“I must have done something good to deserve this,” you might say.

And you’ll think of your past. All the things people did to hurt you as well as the things you did that, intentionally or unintentionally, inflicted pain to others. “Is it all quits now,” you might think but in the end, you’ll realize that it is not about calling it quits. It’s about forgiving others and forgiving yourself. But how about forgiveness from those whom I have hurt? This you will never know. But you go on having a peace of mind because you know that you already asked for their forgiveness and you know or hope that somehow, in their own time, they’ll forgive you.

So with a peaceful mind, you then can focus on the desires of your heart.

Follow it and be happy.

I am not feeling very well emotionally lately. This is due to the fact that I am left here at home alone everyday day leaving me nothing to do but those tiring profound thinking. Why am I sulking here? Why am I unemployed until now? Why are things not working for me? Why can’t I get a job in this place? Am I not trying hard enough? Why won’t they hire me? Am I not good enough? Why am I not married? Why am I feeling inadequate career and financially wise at this age? Why is getting married too difficult when we feel so right about it? When are we ready to do it? Why do I feel so bound to my responsibilities to my family? Why am I so hard on myself? Etcetera…etcetera.

I also feel that I am losing my friends. The people I know. I feel that somehow they are getting more and more out of reach for me. Sigh*

Being unemployed sucks! It makes you think a lot about things you normally don’t think about that often. It makes lose your self esteem slowly. It makes you overlook at the good things that are happening to you.

My love is there. He loves me. He can very well provide for everything that I need. We are together and everything between us is pleasant. We don’t fight. We don’t argue. We’re not bored. We do fun things together like cooking, cuddling, talking, watching our favorite TV series and other activities like spending the weekends somewhere and doing something new. I am thankful for all these things but somehow life is not complete for me. Somehow, I feel useless.

I don’t want to be too dependent on hubby financially. I want to be useful to myself. I want to earn money for my own. Sure, he gives me money but it makes me feel bad using this money for my caprices… not that I do it that often but still. It’s not a good feeling getting my caprices this way. I want to keep whatever I have with him. I want our living situation as it is but I also want a job. Is that too much to ask?